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*extraordinary supergoddess

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[06 Sep 2003|02:16pm]
i got a new user name or atleast for the time being, i will start to set up there ---> _ambivalent
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but baby when i get you back, i'm gonna show you what i'm made of... [04 Sep 2003|05:31pm]
[ mood | sore ]

the memory of you stays lit in my head as incesant as the flame of love,
good love never dies, but as it may escape it burns me alive
leaves me with scars so painful all I can wish for is to be numb,
so I can have learned to numb the scarred,
a burnt heart with the adoration of absence,
nothing enters, but yet nothing can escape,
the toxins begin eat away at the insides, consuming all sanity
leaving me with nothing but a carcass , a rotting mound of bones,
and an aching heart that still burns. where are you now?


schools not that bad. heres how my day goes....

1st period Algebra II with Ms. Edwards - not that bad i have megan and Liz in there and i sit with megan. i hate math though, but i find it intreguing this year, i don't know why but i'm kinda EXCITED *shrug* maybe i have gone crazy. ms. edwards greatly reminds me of a kindergarden teacher, which is rather calming to me cause the past couple of weeks thats all i have wanted... to be back in kindergarden....

2nd period Study Hall with Mrs. Chepiga - well actually theres about 5 teachers in there and it's in the cfeteria with over 100 other people. lmao. lets see who else is in there - Jess S, Katy, Andrew, Jesse, Lynzi, Irena, Kathy, Margaret, Emily, Zack and i think theres more but i forget...

3rd period Chemistry with Mrs. Campbell - this class is gonna be awsome. i love chemistry, reminds me of baking. I've got Lynzi in there as well as Irena, Kathy, and Rob.

4th period English III with Mrs. Pinelli - i was originally gonna see if i could get transferred out of that class before i even met the teacher because i REALLY wanted Mrs. Chepiga again who was my English teacher freshman year (and also my 2nd cousin LMAO)but i might stay. In there i have Jess and Josh. i'll explain who josh is give me a minute... lol

then there going over in the afternoon to college. and thats a whole different thing. i have different classes every day. but i am taking -

Vocal technique
Dance for Vocalists
Music Theory
Acting for Vocalists
Chorus
Music History
Vocal Litterature
Disctation and Phonetics


so anyways.. i met some cool people. theres only one other person from my school in the vocal category, and thats josh. he's new this year and i met him... yesterday. he's a cool emo kid and he's a really good at singing. so i was talking to him before leaving the college and then i realized today he's in my english class. so i'm his new buddy cause he don't know anyone else lmao. and he came with me to chill in the library for an hour before his bus came to pick him up today to leave cause i wasn't going to the college cause i had no ride home. Then earlier yesterday when i arrived at the college i was waiting around for a while and someone goes *TARA?!* I turn around and had to think about it and she goes *hey it's kristina fro Abetter Pizza* and i realize i goto work with her lmao. she works in the ice cream parlor. which was really cool cause i got to chill with her and her friend untill they got branched off into the acting department.but i was just glad i knew someone. the teachers ihave are all REALLY nice. one even offered to give me a ride home yesterday cause my mom was late and she was in her car about to leave and she was like 'tara do you need a ride?' and my mom pulled up just then. so i'm really happy with that. i just can't go today or tomorrow because i have had no ride home because my mom doesn't get out of school untill about 3:30 and i gt out at 2:30. but tomorrow i think i MIGHT go because afterwards i might goto the college library and study or do homework.

i was so PISSED yesterday when i pulled out my phone and it wouldn't turn on. arg. my dad took it to the verizon place today though and they fixed it. so it's all better now :-D

and that is a brief description of the last 2 days. we'll just see how tomorrow goes when we throw in work at well... tra la la

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when i think of it, my fingers turn to fists, i NEVER did anything to you man [02 Sep 2003|09:54am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

i realized something, all the other people before, they were right and now i understand. you don't give a shit about me so don't even bother. narcisistic jealous fuck

*it won't be long till you'll be lying limp in your own hands*

had to get that off my chest. it's amazing what you'll realize how people feel about you reading simple things not about you. AMAZING. silence speaks louder then words.

i start school tomorrow. the past week has been tough. it's hard to think 8 years ago grandma and pop-pop died, and buster... oy. and i would have broken up with frank a year ago tomorrow LMAO HAHAHA. i find that one amusing. but i also think of tony and think wow.... thats was that long ago.

i saw my biology teacher from last year yesterday at the nail salon. she's one teacher i'm going to miss like hell. she got to be like a friend damn it. i wish she taught chemistry. :-\ ick back to school, back to nosey teachers, being perpetually cold, and the loud annoying people.

right now my moms at worek, she started school already.... poor mom :-\

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nobody said it was easy oh it's such a shame for us to part [28 Aug 2003|10:16pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

well i feel acomplishes. i wrote an email to the schoolnewspaper advisor (my history teacher i had last year) and asked about getting into the school newspaper and such. plus i figured out how to get arround my lousy schedual so far with teachers i don't know. hopefully if it works out... i will have my freshmen english teacher again IF she has her english III class the same period as mine. so i will switch. so i will have mrs. chepiga and mr. wolf. yes that makes me feel 90000000x better. esp mrs. chepiga... oy freshman year. smile comes to my face. i romantacize that year wayyyy too well. and it excites me wayyyy too much to know i could have the same teacher again... i just wish it was in the afternoon :-\ but mrs. chepiga was the best... it also helps she's my second coun but she helped my writting so much and did so much for me. wow, this excites me lol.

so i am KINDA excited for school. i got about 15 new outfits. and yes i bought everything myself. i work my ass off and i'm proud. i got alot on sale too. 150$ identity skirt, 4 shirts from abercrombie and fitch, 3 new skirts from XOXO and s hitload of stuff from macys, charlotte russe, forever 21 and express. since i don't use a backpack (hate themHATE THEM HATE THEM) i usually get a big purse and carry my books in them then carry a small purse with makeup and pens. well i got a big coach bag for my books and then i got a few regular purses, one coach, one kate spade, and one 9&co, well actually my mom gave me the kate spade one. but oh well. my aunt bought me 3 pairs of steve madden shoes and they're all brown, but i LOVE them and my mom told me she would buy me a black pair and a pair of boots! woo! i'm ready lmao.

and i finally found some wide ruled mead brights notebooks, although it's a three subjuect... but it'll work for the time being. i need single subject to feel really safe :-\ but i have wide ruled 3 subject. it's the close as i'll get for now.

and i died my hair tonight. wow... it's the REAL color... the color i was BORN with. it's nice. it's plain and simple. i like simple. it works. and i think i'm going to grow my hair out again. i miss my long hair... ughhhhh. why did i have to fry my hair.

so i am left with 10$ lol. but i work tomorrow and i'll make about 50$ in tips and i get my paycheck... which is going straight to the bank... it should be about 170$ then i'll get another 20$ from my voice teacher for all the work i did with her.

i'm kind of agervated though, i really am trying to make an effort to gain 5lbs but i'm still losing weight. i'm excersizing constantly though, not that thats any different. i'm TRYING to eat more, but thats rough too. but i really am trying. arg.

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It seems like I dreamed and now I'm waking up to daylight [25 Aug 2003|03:22pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i'm getting a new user name... i'm still contemplating what it should be... any ideas?

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i'm falling forever i've got to break through [22 Aug 2003|01:43pm]
[ mood | angry ]

i can't breath. awl iubop wiuevrqw5o,i i can't even function. i can't work tonight. i might die. i can't do this. i can't sit. i have to leave. i want to leave. but 325s8. fuck now i fucking broke my keyboard. numbers don't fucking work. i don't want to live right now.

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[22 Aug 2003|01:38pm]
dr called and canceled our appointment today for some emergency, theres no fruit in our house and i'm sick of stairing at a wall. i want to die.
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on to the turtles backs.... [17 Aug 2003|01:12am]
[ mood | calm ]

i talked to krissy tonight :-) i'm glad i missed her. i have the best friend anyone could ask for dude.

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how you gonna go out when your sold out lifes a riddle heres a clue [17 Aug 2003|12:47am]
[ mood | cold ]

i HATE... let me emphasize this HATE when people think they can try and destroy my beliefs system, of my religion and such. i have enough trouble just LIVING and why i'm here let alone try and question how i got here and my exhistance in general. quite frankly, it scares me and i try not to think about it, bringing it up and not dropping it when i ask nicely because it makes me uncomfortable is rather aggravating and makes me feel like shit, okaythanks. i hate talking about thies, . arg... STOP STOP STOP.

why am i here
how did i get here?
is there a reason i'm here?
do i even exhist?

stop asking me these questions, cause quite frankly i'm trying not to care.

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open fire, all my needs designed on my knees for you [12 Aug 2003|12:48am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

quite frankly, i feel like shit... what else is new. nothing i do it right. period. i'm never going to be good enoughi managed to fuck everything up.

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the one i meant to put up last night that i thought wasn't funny.... [10 Aug 2003|02:34pm]
<td bgcolor="#000000">Username</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Die on</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">July 14, 2032</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Die of</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Starvation </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Value of Estate:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$1,480,292</td></tr>
DeathDay 2.0 by quill18
Created with quill18</a>'s MemeGen!
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[10 Aug 2003|12:26am]
<td bgcolor="#000000">Favorite Colour</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Year of Birth</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You will be worth:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$93,273,621</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You will make your first million on:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">October 25, 2009</td></tr>
How rich will you be? by quill18
Created with quill18</a>'s MemeGen!


<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Date</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">December 27, 2018</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Spouse</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Vin Diesel </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Price of Wedding</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$657,668</td></tr>
Who Will You Marry? by Sari
Created with quill18</a>'s MemeGen!



anyone else find that not funny?
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oOoH amber is the color of her energyyyyyy [08 Aug 2003|02:55pm]
[ mood | okay ]

interesting day, started the new doc. he's really nicei think i will stick to this one :-D we talked about alot of differnt things. CARS lmao. he's got some swanky cars dude. infact 8 of them... tra la la... i'm being as honest as possible with him. he said he wants to talk to me about meds next weeek. a tad scary, but i suppose he's here to help. my mom is much more relaxed now too, i can tell. she said she feels like a bundle of bricks has beeb taken off her chest. so i'm happy just for that. i don't want to make my mom sad :-\ i'll write more about the appointment later in friends only or something, but i gotta get ready for work... tra la la waitressing i'm tired and don't want to work damn it :-( *sigh*

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remember today i have no respect for you [03 Aug 2003|03:03pm]
[ mood | dead ]

it's over. i'm caught. time to rewind and reteach myself control. theres no way around it now. 100 is once again the magic number.

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and now i've managed to be the one... to be the victim without the gun [03 Aug 2003|12:35am]
[ mood | restless ]

today was okay. i wasn't mentally alive at all today. i realized something... my elctrolytes... or however you spell it... yeah they're FUCKED as anything. it was 90 degrees this morning. my hands were so cold they turned purple. it's august... this is rediculous... only me dude... only me. i was insanely light headed too. but my hands were bright purple. as weird as it sounds, i rather be the old feeling of dehydrated... ugh more romantasizing of freshman year... will i ever get past that?

austin came over today and i felt rather horrible. i feel bad cause i acted rather bitchy cause i was kinda aggravated and dizzy. he gave me a really good massages cause he's wonderful like that. :-D but he got rewarded cause we went for a walk later and people were throwing away they're like HUGE TV so i asked if he could have it so... he's got a big ass TV in his room now. scoree... we went bowling yesterday with one of my friends and one of his friends who we're setting up. things are working out VERY nicely. we went bowling then out to dinner, back to my house and started to watch a movie. all was well.

enduring silverchair lately... pondering over my life and how it's changed from last year this time. some things are better... others are worse... mentality... somewhat better... with a guy whose 7865876587645437654789658658765x better but still feel very shitty about myself for some reason. i start the new doc. on friday and start work on tuesday. scared about doc. but excited about work. work will be interesting :-)

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There's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves [31 Jul 2003|07:55pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I AM OFFICIALLY A WAITRESS @ ABETTER PIZZA!!!!!!!!! no more gym! no more connections! but yet in a way i'm going to miss it... i started t like it at the end, i got close to alot of the people there, but I HAVEN'T WORKED IN 3 WEEKS. i need $$ BAD. and i made 6.50 on waiting 2 tables today and that was just training. i start working for real on tuesday. the ironic part. my mom used to have my same job and worked with my boss. actually, my mom used to have the biggest crush on him lmao. he's a cool guy, i like him. and i think this was a good move for me. i think i'll like it a whole heck of alot more.

also today my dads parents came over *shoots self* with their neice from italy. she was REALLY nice. i was expecting this gorgeous bitch to walk in but she was really down to earth and stuff, she understood alot of english so it made life easier. i might take her to 6 flags next week to get her out of a few extra hours with my dads dad... i would be bored out of my mind and would want to die. that man belittles women in ever aspect imaginable.

i also foud out mirandas moving back to england... :-\ i'm gonna miss her like crazy. in the past two years i've gotten so fucking close to her. blahh. but hse insists that durring the summer i will come stay with her for a few weeks. i hope. it shall be fun :-) but in the meantime... it will be INSANE without her.

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survey stolen from _paperdoll [28 Jul 2003|11:40pm]
Read more...Collapse )
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i'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels, to handle everyday [28 Jul 2003|09:31pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

i hate my mother, she makes me feel so fucking alone sometimes. SHE'S HAS THE FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, why can't she fucking believe me. my FATHER believes me. i miss my plan. i could still accomplish it, but is it worth it? sometimes i still romantasize it in my head. the true beauty in nothingness, feeding the hunger of lonliness, ones own companion being the torture itself

it's gonna hurt... but i love the pain, i breeding ground for hate

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who would of thought? it figures/ [28 Jul 2003|02:27am]
me and caitlin had a little too much fun tonight. had soem friends over tonight. had some stuff to drunbk. uhmmmshe's on the phone with some boy. sa b yeah./ i think i might goto find her now cause she's comnfressiong some shit to him. i feel good for once. talked to her alot... maybe about too much. i will be okay. i didn't eat anything todoay. okaty well i will go findcaitlin cause i'm kinda dizzy. byei will write when i can see mysekf think.
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imagine pagent, in my head the flesh seems thicker [23 Jul 2003|11:36pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

1) Starting time: 10:55pm
2) Your full name: tara gweneth marie mcclain
3.) Nickname(s): tara, tar, tray, gwen, gwennerz, gwenny, gwenabee
4) hometown: robbinsville, NJ
5) E-mail address: deviousxblonde@aol.com
6) Hair color: blonde
7) Eye color: brown
8) Height: 5'7"
9) Siblings: none :-(
10) Birthdate: december 16th, 1986
11) Kept a secret from everyone? i have a big one, some people know but i deny it anyways
12) Had an imaginary friend? haha yeah when i was little
13) Wanted to hook up with a friend? at one point in time...
14) Cried during a flick? i've bawled durring movies lmao
15) Had a crush on a teacher? nahh
16) Ever thought an animated character was cute? butters in the man yo
17) Ever at anytime owned a New Kids on the Block tape: haha yeah and the dolls dude...
18) Planned your week based on the TV Guide? fuck no

Have you ever...

19) tripped in public? LMAO millions of times... i'm a world class act
20) Done drugs? nahh
21) Eaten an entire bag of Oreos? FUCK NO
22) Gotten in a car accident? just sunday :-(
23) Wished upon a star? all the time :-\
24) Laughed until you cried? i have my moments, but not nearly enough :-\
25) Played Truth or Dare? lol everyday summer of 2000, christine, cait, em, and jeff.. haha
26) Watched a sunset or a sunrise? nope :-(
27) Do you like someone from the opposite sex? i love austin <3
28) Do they know? duhh lmao
29) What do you look for in a woman or man? someone who will genuinly care about me and has atleast some sensitivity

FrIeNdS...

30) Who's your funniest friend? katy lol
31) Who's your craziest friend? i dunno they're all pretty looney lmao j/k
32) Who makes you laugh/smile the most? austin & krissy & miriam
33) Who do you e-mail the most? krissy
34) Who do you e-mail the least? everyone else
35) Who's the loudest? katy
36) Who's the shyest? nahuel
37) Who do you know the best? probably miriam

In the last two weeks have you...

38) Showered or bathed? lol i bathe like 2 times a day duhh
39) Had a serious talk? yessum
40) Hugged someone? i hug austin all the time :-)
41) Gotten along with your parents? i almost always get along with my mom...
42) Fought with your parents? i always fight with my dad cause he is an inconsiderate dick :-)
43) Fought with a friend? nope
44) Cried? yupperz
45) Cut your hair? nope
46) Worn a skirt? yesterday
47) Been mean? haha all the time
48) Been sarcastic? LMAO stupid question
49) Met someone new? yupperz
50) Talked to someone you have a crush on? i talked to austin like 2 minutes ago lol
51) Missed someone? i miss austin :-(
54) Give hugs? didn't i answer this?
55) Give back rubs? austin!
56) Take walks in the rain? nahh too cold :-X

Which one of your friends

57) Is most likely to grow up to be a model? krissy or rachel
58) Knows you the best? krissy & miriam
59) Is most likely to become a comedian? mike
60) Have you known the longest? alisha :-) i miss her :-(
61) Do you know most about? bj and minnie
62) Who will send this back the quickest? uhmm it's on lj
63) Is the smartest? emily
64) Most likely to end up in jail? katy lmao

Have you ever...

65) Been to a concert? yup
66) Loved someone so much it made you cry? yeah :-\ cause i do dumb things
67) Cheated on a test? lmao who hasn't?
68) Stolen something from someone/something? no
69) Stalked someone? not really...
70) Are you single or hooked? hooked ;)
71) Do you like mac & cheese? fat
72) Do you have a lot of friends? ehh i few
73) Have you ever had an online relationship? fuck no
74) What is your worst habit? i don't wana talk about it
75) Scariest moment? only krissy knows :-X but i saved myself lmao
76) Happiest moment? i have two... meeting austin and going up to north jersey to see krissy
77) where have you lived most your life? robbinsville, NJ
78) Do you dress like a prep/snob/sporty/ or just none of those? ehh i'm original.

Other...

79) Where are you? in my room
80) Are you sitting by anyone? no
81) When was the last time you showered? 2 hours ago
82) What color pants are you wearing? grey shorts
83) If you're listening to music what song are you listening to? miss you love - silverchair
84) What's on your mousepad? a G for gateway
85) What was the last thing you ate? a few grapes
86) Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? austin <3
87). How many buddies do you have on your list? 65
88) How's the weather right now? ehh i dunno it's late
89) What do you feel like doing right now? running away :-(
90) Shampoo? aussie
91) Soap? uhmm i dunno
92) Colors? bronze
93) Day/Night? night
94) Summer/Winter? summer, although for some reason i'm really missing winter
95) Lace or satin? satin
96) Cold or hot? warm, hot, fucking hot
97) Sour or sweet? sour
98) Blue or red? red
99) Snow or rain? rain... although i hate both, i DESPIZE snow
100) Give or receive? give
101) Wool or cotton? wool
102) Rose or daisy? daisy
103) Do you have a monkey? noo
104) Chocolate or plain milk? neither
105) Celsius or Fahrenheit? Fahrenheit
106) Spring or fall? spring
107) History or Science? science
108) Cartoon Character? BUTTERS
109) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? i have austin <3
110) Who do you go to for advice? Miriam, krissy
111) Who do you get the most surveys from? lara or kirssy
112) Who do you cry with? krissy but i prefer not to cry infront of people, i feel weak
113) Spent quality time alone? austin <3
114) Read a book for fun? i live for books dude
115) Ate a meal? fuck
116) Are you lonely? yes :-(
117) Are you happy? no
118) Are you talking to someone online? krissy :-)
119) God/Devil? uhm
122) Love? austin <3
121) The Big Bang Theory? what about it?
122) Heaven/Hell? hell it's warmer
123) Superstition? i am :-X
124) Backstreet Boys or N'sync? ick
125) Whipped cream? fat free
126) What was the last thing that you said online? :-\
127) What is right next to you? my book
128) What is your computer desk made of? wood
129) What are the last 4 digits in your phone number? 2481
130) Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? somewhere warm
131) What did you do last night? took a shower and read till 1am
132) What's the best thing that you find about the opposite sex? everything that austin is
133) Who makes you happy? austin & krissy
134) What is your favorite CD? i have 2... the juliana theory - emotion is dead and silverchair neon ballroom
135) Dream car? either a tiburon, cougar or liberty
136) Have you ever won any special awards? yeah i got a few singing and acting awards
137) What do you want to be when you grow up? a writer or special ed teacher
138) What are your future goals? t open up a bakery/desert place that serves breakfast and write an autobiography and be as famouse as marya hornbacher, and in the end, being as strong as her
139) Favorite music? alternative rock
140) Favorite food? grapes

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